It’s the call we never want to get: In the middle of the night, the phone rings. A friend tells us that something terrible has happened. Her great-grandmother has just died. Many times this call is expected: Someone has been sick for a long time. Families who experience a loss become very busy making arrangements. Sometimes the person will have planned out a funeral in advance, but often it is the family who must make the funeral arrangements.

Most funerals are occasions for family and friends to meet, share memories of the person they have lost, and join in special services. Funeral homes will arrange to take care of the remains. They will prepare the body for a wake, if the family chooses. This is a common event in the United States. The body is laid in a casket, which is often open, for family and friends to have a final chance to say good-bye. This is known as a viewing. Not everyone is comfortable with this, however, and some families choose a closed coffin.

At a wake, the family is greeted by friends, who offer condolences on their loss. Close friends may arrange to send flowers to the funeral home for display, but often families will ask friends to make a donation to a charity instead. They may write in the obituary, “In lieu of flowers, please make a donation to a special charity.” There are usually visiting times for a day or two, and then there is a funeral service, followed by burial. The funeral is often a church service, but it is sometimes just prayers or a speaker at the cemetery. If there are no religious rites, then the casket will be brought right to the cemetery for interment.

Not all families choose burial of the body in a casket, however. Cremation is becoming a much more common choice. Often the visiting custom is the same, but sometimes there will be no service at the cemetery. Instead, the family may have a memorial service several months later. Often, they will display a special urn with the ashes of their loved one. There may be a church service, or prayers, or simply a ceremony for people to talk about their memories of the person. The urn will be kept in a family member’s home, or it will be buried in a cemetery. Some people will scatter the ashes in a favorite place. The funeral home will be able to tell you if you need special permission to do this.

During the wake period, neighbors and friends try to help in any way they can. It is common for friends to bring food to the house. This is a way to show sympathy for their neighbor’s loss. Some families like to celebrate. This is not a party, but a way to celebrate and honor the person’s life.

While this section describes the typical funeral customs, there are, of course, many different customs. Remember that the United States is made up of people with many religions and traditions, so funeral customs will also be different. For example, some people do not have a wake at all and believe it is important to bury the person within one day. Friends may visit at the home later.

All funerals are respectful of the person who has died and of the wishes of the family. Every family has special ideas about how they want to observe the death of someone they love.

ALAN: Lia, I heard that your great-grandmother passed away. I’m so sorry.

LIA: Thanks, Alan. Yes, we’re all really sad about it, but we know that Granny was ready.

ALAN: Is there anything I can do?

LIA: Our neighbors have been wonderful about leaving us meals, so I don’t think there’s anything we need right now.

ALAN: Well, please accept my condolences. If you think of anything I can do to help your family, just let me know.

LIA: Thank you so much. If we need anything, I’ll let you know.

Fun Fact!